


You Make Me Wanna Die

by rosybumblebee



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, hooo boy, pretty heavy angst, some mentions of Tou//Ken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 11:37:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosybumblebee/pseuds/rosybumblebee
Summary: Tsukiyama realizes he lost the love of his life forever.





	You Make Me Wanna Die

“I married Touka.”

Those words felt like a punch in the stomach to Tsukiyama, who would’ve definitely preferred it to hearing something like that coming out of Kaneki’s mouth.

“Oh. That’s… amazing,” he smiled tightly, ignoring the sharp, numbing pain he felt in his chest. It’s nothing. He’s fine, it’s not that important anyway.

“Congratulations, Ken. Please, treat my niece well,” Yomo nodded, a calm smile on his face as he clasped Kaneki’s shoulder, looking at Touka as well.

“I’m happy for you guys, really. Now… I’m sorry, but I must go. We still have to… prepare documents… for the next mission. You know. Stuff like that.” His own excuse sounded terrible to even himself, but he couldn’t bear to stay with them a second longer, not when Kaneki looked so happy because of someone else.

“Tsukiyama, wait,” Kaneki called, and Tsukiyama, of course, turned around and waits for his King to give him orders, because that’s what they’ve been doing for months. Kaneki orders, and Tsukiyama obeys.

“I’d like you to organize a formal ceremony. With dresses and food. You know… a wedding,” he shrugged, a little smile playing at his lips.

_Now I have to organize their wedding too? We’ve already been having problems here underground, now he wants me to make dresses for them and get food when we’ve been dying of hunger for weeks?_

“Leave it to me. I’ll organize the perfect ceremony for you, my King,” Tsukiyama winked, before finally walking out of the room.

He needed fresh air so bad, but of course there weren’t any windows underground and he couldn’t just walk out in the open. So, he locked himself in his room and slid down with his back to the door until he was sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms folded upon them.

_I can’t believe this is happening. I’m watching him slip away through my fingers. I should’ve told him before. I should’ve told him._   
_Am I a bad person? I must be horrible since seeing him so happy makes me want to throw up. I’m okay. What’s important is that he’s happy, my feelings don’t matter at all. I just have to bottle it all up. I’m used to it, after all._

Tsukiyama felt the back of his eyes sting and he closed them tightly, burying his face in his arms and barely holding back a sob, curling his hands into fists and gritting his teeth tightly, willing himself not to burst out in tears.

He swore he could almost feel his heart aching.

_Everything’s okay._

 

\---

 

Tsukiyama stood watching from afar, a bitter smile on his face. He couldn’t afford to look sad on what was probably the best day of Kaneki’s life, could he?  
He had to be cheery and happy. He had to help the love of his life get married to someone else. He couldn’t look sad.

“You look like you bought a puppy and someone just kicked it,” Chie said beside him, sipping on a glass of champagne.  
“Shut up. I’m fine,” Tsukiyama gritted through his teeth, forcing himself to look away from the sickening image of Kaneki and Kirishima smiling at each other.

_He looks so happy… I would be a monster if I were to ruin that newfound happiness._

“Why did you even offer to organize their wedding if you want to puke at the mere thought of it?” Chie asked, raising an eyebrow as she curiously looked up at her friend.

“I’m his right hand man. It’s… It’s the least I can do. I wanted to do it,” Tsukiyama said, even though his own words sounded fake to his ears.  
If he couldn’t convince himself that he was happy, how could he ever convince others?

“Liar. You felt obliged to do it because that’s what you’ve been doing for the past few months. You…” Chie shook her head and took Tsukiyama’s wrist, yanking him away from the main room and taking him to another one, where they could be alone without being interrupted by indiscreet ears.

“Look. I know I’ve never really done anything nice for you. That’s just how I am,” the girl shrugged. “But frankly, it’s annoying to see you like this. You’re no fun anymore. Years ago you were this crazy, bloodthirsty killer, and no one could tell you what to do. Now what? Now you’re just Kaneki’s puppy, always doing whatever he wants you to do. I can’t even take nice pictures of you alone because either you’re beside him, or you’re staring at him like he hung the moon. You need to do something about this situation, because you’re slowly killing yourself.”

Tsukiyama just stared at her in shock, his eyes wide. Not once since he had known her had Chie burst out like this. He didn’t think she really cared about his wellbeing. Well, not to this point at least.  
His eyes watered as he tried to think of a proper response, but honestly, she was right. And there was nothing he could do about it. But of course, he wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of knowing it.

“That’s… that’s not true. He cares about me,” Shuu said, his voice weak and trembling. “I-I just want him to be happy. If he’s happy now, I don’t care about anything else. You’re wrong, I’m fine. I’m fine, I don’t need anything else. I’ll keep being his knight and I will stay by his side, even if it kills me.”

“…if you keep going like this, it probably will. Think about it, Tsukiyama,” Chie deadpanned, before walking out of the room, leaving Shuu alone.

_I’m fine I’m fine if he’s happy I’m happy too I love him I need to do everything perfectly I need to please him I want to be his sword again I want to be close to him please let me stay with him I love him I love him I love him so much it hurts it hurts_

Tsukiyama angrily wiped some stray tears off his face and took a deep breath, gently placing the glass of blood wine on the table and grabbing his phone from the pocket of his pants, checking himself in the front camera to make sure no one could see what had happened.

_…maybe if I stay here for a while no one will notice. I just need a moment._

After a few minutes, he got up and decided to head for his room, where he was sure he wouldn’t be disturbed for the rest of the night. No one would care he was gone anyway.

 

\---

 

“Hey, where’s Tsukiyama? We wanted to play a drinking game!” Banjou said, looking around and searching for his friend.  
“Who knows… he probably went to check on the flowers, you know how he is,” Nishiki shrugged.  
“Maybe he went to the bathroom,” Hinami suggested. “He can play with us later!”  
“Hey, no alcohol for you, young girl,” Touka raised an eyebrow, taking the glass of wine from Hinami’s hands.  
“But sis, come on!!”

 

\---

 

“Yo, Kaneki.”  
“Oh... hi, Nishio-kun.”  
“Listen… did Bakayama look a little weird to you? I mean, he looks weird every day, but today… even more than usual,” Nishio said, leaning against the wall.  
“Uhm… not really? I don’t know, I haven’t noticed it,” Kaneki shook his head, playing with the hem of his shirt.  
“Dunno… maybe it’s just me, but he seemed a little out of it. Apparently he even left early, we can’t find him. Well, I can’t blame him. Watching the person you’re in love with getting married to someone else can’t be very easy,” Nishiki chuckled, swirling the blood wine in his glass.

“…huh?” Kaneki mumbled, looking up at Nishiki curiously. He must’ve heard it wrong. “What did you say?”  
“That watching you get married to Touka wasn’t easy for him. I mean, he’s been desperately in love with you for years,” Nishiki repeated, only then realizing how surprised Kaneki looked. A little too surprised.

“…he’s in love with me?” Kaneki slowly asked, his eyes widening impossibly.  
“…no? Of course he isn’t. Forget I said anything. Fuck. Please kill me before he does it first,” Nishiki whispered, covering his face with a hand.  
“No, you’re talking now. What do you mean he’s in love with me? I-I mean… he’s never said anything.”  
“…okay, now that I said it, I might as well explain everything. You seriously have never realized he loved you? He devoted his entire life to you. He does everything you tell him to do, when he looks at you I can almost see cartoon hearts instead of his eyes,” Nishiki said.  
“How do you know?” asked Kaneki.  
“Because that’s the same way I used to look at Kimi.”

“…I have to go talk to him.”  
“Not now. If he left early, I think it’s because he wants to be left alone,” Nishiki shook his head, placing a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder to stop him from moving. “And if you ditch your wedding to talk to someone who’s been in love with you for years Kirishima wouldn’t like it. She knows about Tsukiyama’s feelings too. Everyone does. I honestly thought you did too.”

“…no, I have to go now. Otherwise I don’t think I’ll… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it,” Kaneki sighed, standing up.  
“Alright. Just be careful with whatever you wanna tell him,” Nishiki warned, raising an eyebrow.

 

\---

Kaneki walked quickly around the corridors, searching everywhere for Tsukiyama. He didn’t know what came over him, but he was sure he had to talk to him. After a while, he found himself in front of the closed door of Tsukiyama’s bedroom and took a long, deep breath, wiping his clammy hands on his pants.

_What will I tell him? That I’m sorry I married someone else? I don’t… okay. Whatever. I’ll figure it out._

He hesitated for a moment before knocking on the door, and he heard some light rustling before Tsukiyama came to open the door. Kaneki noticed he had changed into a pair of jeans and a simple black t-shirt. This probably meant he wasn’t planning on coming back to the party. His hair was slightly disheveled but the most striking thing were his eyes: a bright blue-violet, red rimmed and sparkling, as if he had been… crying?

“Uh… hi. I… we noticed you weren’t there with us,” Kaneki said tentatively, fiddling awkwardly with his hands.  
“Oh, yeah… I’m just… not feeling too well. Stress has been getting a little to me, haha,” Tsukiyama chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Why are you here though? You should be enjoying your wedding. I’m sure the others are already questioning your absence.”

“It’s fine, Nishiki knows I’m here. He’ll make up an excuse,” Kaneki shrugged. “Can… can I come in?”

“Y-Yeah, of course,” Tsukiyama nodded, moving aside to let Kaneki walk inside and closing the door behind him, already feeling something heavy weigh on his chest.

Of all the people here, it had to be him who came looking for me… my life fucking sucks.

“I actually… wanted to talk to you about something,” Kaneki started, sitting on the bed and tucking his hands between his thighs.

“Oh? What is it?” Tsukiyama asked, taking the chair that was close to his desk and sitting down.

_I’m just being a whiny crybaby as I’ve always been, I’m ruining his wedding and he came to complain!_

“…how are you? Lately you seemed a little… off,” the half-ghoul tilted his head, looking intently at the other.  
“I’m fine! I’ve just been working a lot but it’s nothing to worry about,” Tsukiyama smileed. A smile so fake that even Kaneki noticed it.  
“Tsukiyama-san. Don’t lie to me,” he added softly. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? We cannot work if my knight isn’t okay.”

Tsukiyama felt something pull tightly and snap in his chest. Probably a piece of his heart that exploded in a million pieces. “N-Not about this. I can’t talk to you about this. It’s not important though, I’m sure you-“

“Nishio told me something. I… I’d like to hear it from you, if it’s true,” Kaneki interrupted him, furrowing his eyebrows.  
“…what did he tell you?” Tsukiyama asked quietly, already afraid of hearing the answer.

“He told me you’re in love with me. Is it true?”

“…why are you asking me this? It’s your wedding day, you should be dancing with your… your wife, and-“

“Tsukiyama, please, I need to know. Is it true?”

“…oui.”

Kaneki sucked in a sharp breath and looked down at his hands clasped in his lap, hearing his heartbeat loudly in his ears. All this time, Tsukiyama had been desperately, sincerely in love with him. He had helped him, saved him countless times in battles, even tried to stop him from going on a suicide mission all those years ago, and…

“Why have you never told me?”

“Do you think it would’ve made a difference?” Tsukiyama murmured, his voice shaking. “Do you honestly think that, if I told you, you would’ve jumped straight into my arms like you did with her?”

“That’s not it. If you had told me, maybe we could… we could have…”

“We could have never done anything, Kaneki. You clearly weren’t interested, and it was too late anyway.”

“What do you mean? When did you realize you were in love with me?” asked Kaneki.

“Almost four years ago, when I came to try to stop you on that rooftop. I had just realized I had real, genuine feelings for you, I didn’t want to eat you anymore. When I heard the news that the CCG were attacking Anteiku, I knew you would run there to do something, and… I couldn’t bear to watch you die,” Tsukiyama said, quickly wiping a tear that had fallen on his cheek.

“How… how could you love me? After everything I’ve done to you? You should hate me!” Kaneki argued.

“Do you think I haven’t tried to? After you actively took part in the extermination of my family, because that’s what you did, I… I tried so hard to hate you, but I still couldn’t bring myself to, and every night I woke up after terrible nightmares, feeling guilty of still loving you! And let’s not talk about how I was before, after you left me,” Tsukiyama sniffled, chuckling bitterly.

“What happened during those three years?” asked Kaneki.  
“No. I’m not talking about that,” Tsukiyama quickly shook his head.

_Idiot, I shouldn’t have mentioned it, I should’ve stayed silent…_

“Don’t you dare shut out now. I need to know,” Kaneki insisted.

“…I went into a deep depression. I… at first I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t do anything. I stopped reading, sparring, playing the piano… all because you left me,” Tsukiyama whispered, keeping his head down low, as if he was ashamed.  
“Then, I… I started cannibalizing. I was always hungry, I didn’t care what I ate and because of some genetic problems I’m not going to explain my kagune… went crazy, I guess? I developed a half kakuja and was very close to dying, and then… Karren showed me a picture of you as Haise Sasaki, and I was okay again. I tried to get your memories back, and… well, you know what happened next.”

Kaneki couldn’t do anything but stare at him speechless, feeling his eyes stinging with unshed tears. He couldn’t believe what Tsukiyama had gone through for him, even after he had left him and caused all that suffering, still, he wanted to help him and be close to him, even if he got nothing but pain in return.

“Tsukiyama-san, I’m… I-I don’t… I’m sorry, I never wanted to cause you any of this, I-“

“Non, dear, you don’t need to worry about it, it’s my business. It’s not my fault I fell in love with you, after all,” Tsukiyama chuckled wetly, feeling more tears spilling.

Oh god, here come the waterfalls…

“No, I do need to worry about it! You’re breaking in pieces right before my eyes and I never noticed,” Kaneki protested. “You told me it was water under the bridge!”

“It never was, okay? I lied! I lied, because I didn’t want you to worry about me when you already had to worry about a revolution!”

“If you’re worrying so much about me then why are you telling me this now?”

“Because you wanted to know. You asked me to tell you,” Tsukiyama hissed.

“I… what do you want me to do now? I-I can do everything, I can-“

“See? You’re always with this martyr complex, always sacrificing yourself for the sake of others! Can’t you, for once, realize that you can’t always do everything by yourself? There’s nothing you can do now, it’s too late. You’re married now and will have a baby soon. I’ll just have to get used to it.”

“You’re crying,” Kaneki noticed.

“No shit, I’ve been crying for an hour,” Tsukiyama said in annoyance, sniffling and desperately trying to wipe at his eyes, even though the tears kept coming.

Kaneki stood up and walked up to Tsukiyama, extending a hand toward him and trying to touch his shoulder, only to have his hand batted away.

“Don’t touch me.”

Kaneki nodded and crouched down in front of him, biting at his lower lip.

“…I’m sorry. I wish I could make you feel better. No, I wish there was something else that made you feel better. I wish you weren’t so attached to me, because you’re slowly killing yourself.”

“…huh. Those are the same words the Little Mouse told me,” Shuu laughed bitterly, sniffing.

“You need to let me go, Ts-Shuu. You need to let me go, because I’m just going to hurt you even more, and I can’t stand that,” Kaneki murmured.

“I don’t think I can.”

“Of course you can. You just need time.”

 _I’m going to die soon, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you don’t get away from me now you’ll destroy yourself_ , Kaneki thought.

“…you should go now. Touka and the others will be waiting for you. I’m sure she wants to have her first dance with her husband,” he smiled softly, gently caressing Kaneki’s cheek with the tip of his fingers.

_If only things weren’t such a mess… I want to kiss him so bad…_

“…is this a gentle way of telling me to leave you alone or you will personally kick me out?” Kaneki tried to joke, even though smiling had never felt so forced in his life.

“Yeah. I’m sorry but… I think I need to be alone now,” Tsukiyama nodded, quickly retracting his hand.  
“Okay. I’ll… I’ll go, then. Are you sure it’s a good idea to leave you alone?”  
“Oui. I just… need a moment. I don’t think I’ll be able to return to the ceremony though.”  
“Of course. I’ll make up an excuse for you,” Kaneki nodded, standing back up and walking toward the door, before turning around at the last moment.  
“We still have a lot to talk about, though.”  
“Oui. But not now, please. My head is about to explode.”  
Kaneki nodded and walked away, closing the door behind him.

Tsukiyama sat still on the chair for a few moments, the sudden silence deafening to him, until more tears than before came spilling on his cheeks. He slid down do the floor and held his face in his hands, painful sobs and hiccups shaking his body.

He sat there, and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry  
> i began writing this 7 minutes after i read ch132 because i have never been that salty in my life
> 
> my tumblr: rosybumblebee (main) gourmetbooty (fandom)


End file.
